Do-it-yourself Country & Western Song Kit

I met her (1)_________________________________(2)___________________________________;
I can still recall (3)__________________________________________________________she wore;
She was (4)__________________________________  (5)_________________________________
And I knew (6)____________________________________________________________________.
(7)_________________________________I'd (8)__________________________________ forever;
She said to me (9)_________________________________________________________________;
But who'd have thought she'd (10)____________________   (11)____________________________;
(12)_____________________________________________________________________ goodbye.


on the highway

outside Fresno

at a truck stop

on probation

in a jail cell

in a nightmare


in a treehouse

in a gay bar

at a rehab

by a trailer

eatin’ supper


in September

at McDonald’s

ridin’ shotgun

wrestlin’ gators

all hunched over

poppin’ uppers

sort of pregnant

with joggers

stoned on oatmeal

playin’ guitar

dead all over

whistling “Dixie”


that purple dress

that little hat

that burlap bra

those training pants

the stolen goods

that plastic nose

the neon sign

that creepy smile

the hearing aid

the boxer shorts

that afro wig

that cheap perfume

the combat boots


sobbin’ at the toll booth

drinkin’ Dr. Pepper

weighted down with Twinkies

breakin’ out with acne

smellin’ kind of funny

crashin’ through the guardrail

chewin’ on a hangnail

talkin’ in Swahili

drownin’ in the quicksand

slurpin’ up linguini

munchin’ jalapenos

shopliftin’ tomatoes

hot-wirin’ my pick-up

pregnant with the triplets



in the twilight

but I loved her

by the off-ramp

near Poughkeepsie

with her cobra

when she shot me

on her elbows

with Led Zeppelin

with Miss Piggy

in her muu-muu

as a side dish

very slowly

with some sailors

without shoes on


no guy would ever love her more

that she would be an easy score

she’d bought her dentures in a store

that she would be a crashing bore

I’d never rate her more than “4”

they’d hate her guts in Baltimore

it was a raven, nothing more

we really lost the last World War

I’d have to scrape her off the floor

what strong deodorants were for

that she was rotten to the core

that I would upchuck on the floor



I promised her

I knew deep down

She asked me if

I told her shrink

The judge declared

Her daddy said

I shrieked in pain

The painters knew

A Klingon said

My hamster thought

The blood test showed

Her momma knew



stay with her

warp her mind

swear off booze

take out trash

punch her out

live off her

have that rash

stay a dwarf

hate her dog

pick my nose

play “Go Fish”


walk the streets


our love would never die

there was no other guy

man wasn’t meant to fly

that Nixon didn’t lie

her basset hound was shy

that Rolaids made her high

she’d have  a swiss on rye

she loved my one blue eye

her brother’s name was Tye

that birthdays made her cry

she couldn’t stand my tie

she used to be a guy

“go stick it in your eye”



run off

wind up



sky dive

turn green

freak out

blast off

make it

black out



write songs

drop dead



with my best friend

in my Edsel

on a surfboard

with her dentist

with a robot

with no clothes on

at her health club

in her Maytag

with her guru

while in labor

for my gun-rack

eatin’ breakfast


You’d think at least that she’d have said

I never had the chance to say

She told her dumb friend Grace to say

I now can kiss my credit cards

I guess I was too smashed to say

I watched her melt away and sobbed

She fell beneath the wheels and cried

She sent a hired thug to say

She freaked out on the lawn and screamed

I pushed her off the bridge and waved

But that’s the way that pygmies say

She sealed me in the vault and said

Now I can kiss my credit cards

The spraypaint on my truck spelled out






Created and maintained by Vicky V. Johnson